My little deck

This is my million bells plant. It looks a little thin, I think that the recent pounding rain and wind have taken its toll on my plants. One thing is sure, the humming birds love it!




I am not sure what type of plant this is. When hubby and I went on a business trip this year to Baltimore for the Preakness race, I took the opportunity to take home some flowers from the decorations at the race.



What silly little strawberries. This is the first season for these plants and I was expecting them to be small but come on! I guess thats my own fault because I refuse to pull off the first years flowers!




Tomatoes! This year I am trying a new variety, Husky Cherry. I usually grow Sweet 100 so, we'll see how this one comes out!



Here is a baby miniature rose bush that one of my students gave me as a goodbye gift. It seems to be doing well so far. No pest/rot problems so far. :-) The blooms have been coming full force and turn various shades of pink and orange as they grow!



My little slice of heaven seems to be coming along just fine. Now all I need is large glass of water and to sit down in one of the deck chairs. :-)

MRI

The MRI results came back "normal" or whatever that is. So at least we know I don't have a tumor or anything. My Dr. has pretty much put me on the back burner and said to stay on the exact amount of meds that I was taking. I am a bad patient. I have decided to decrease my meds by 50%. Hopefully I don't kill myself or something.

The thing I don't get is that my TSH levels are worse than they were before I began meds. I feel like this is leading me to believe that it is Hashimotos disease. Boo. My Dr. said to just take Ativan for my anxiety as needed. This does not help the driving situation, not to mention you should not drive while on Ativan either. Not helpful. I decided that I need to see a good endocrinologist and not mess around with my GP anymore. The problem with that is that the endo. can't see me for a month. I CAN NOT deal with this for a MONTH. The anxiety is completely debilitating and non-situational so, it hits at any time. My body is going crazy!

Here is a good article about Hypothyroidism and Anxiety. Very much my situation.

http://freednerd.wordpress.com/2006/10/19/anxiety-symptoms-in-hypothyroidism/

Please pray for me and my pain in the neck thyroid.

Yesterday's MRI

So my day began yesterday with stress and a mild sedative. Sounds like fun eh?

Hubby and I ran a few errands before he took me to get an ice cream to ward off some of my nerves about having an MRI. I also took a muscle relaxer/sedative to help with the anxiety I was having, and to help ward of claustrophobia from being in a tiny, EXTREMELY NOISY, tube absolutely still for an hour.

We got to the imaging place early and began the paperwork, which hubby filled out for me because I was so nervous and medicated. They ask you a million questions about where you could possibly have metal in your body. If you have any metal ANYWHERE it could quite possible be ripped straight out of your body and sent into the very center of the machine (Which in my case happened to be where my head was). I happen to have metal in my head already, which cannot be removed. The tech said it "should be ok." Which is not a great comment to hear.

[Flash back: So the night before I was sitting on the computer researching MRI's, stressing myself out, when hubby sent me a link to Youtube. I open it...bad idea. It was a video of an oxygen tank being pulled into the magnetic force of an MRI at like 100mph and smashing through the machine. Opps. Then I saw another one of a chair being pulled into and stuck to the machine (this can happen at any time since they never "turn the machines off" 24/7).]

So, I heard the nurse say it "should" be ok and I was thinking of the oxygen tank. Talk about adding to ones stress level. We were then whisked away to the back where we both had to remove anything with metal. Hubby was going to sit by the machine so, he had to be relatively metal free too. As we neared the MRI room the loud road construction sounds that we heard in the waiting room got louder and louder. We soon realized, as we entered the room, that that was the sound the machine made when it was NOT being used. GREAT! What about when it is...

So they had me put in ear plugs (and hubby- oh great) and lay down on the very skinny "tray" they send you into the machine on. Then they asked me to put my head back into the head holder dodad (technical term). They asked me whether or not I wanted a wash cloth over my eyes. I said yes (the BEST decision ever). They covered my eyes, put a cage around my head (which is called a coil) and then stuffed pads around my head so it stayed put in the cage. I WAS NOT EVEN IN THE MACHINE YET. BAH!

So, they asked me if I was ok. I guessed so. As ok as anyone with their ears plugged, eyes covered, and a cage around there head can be before they get stuck in a tiny tube that has a potentially fatal magnetic charge.

Cutting to the chase now, I promise. So, they sent me into the tube of horrors and the noises began. For each series of images the machine takes it makes varying pitches and clunking sounds. The sounds were LOUD, LONG, VIBRATING AND VERY NERVE WRECKING. It is really SO much louder than you expect. If you don't wear hearing protection it could potentially hurt your hearing. The annoying thing is that it starts and stops so, it makes you jump even though you are trying to be perfectly still. The worse set of pictures was accompanied by sounds of increasing pitch, speed, and vibrations. My heart rate and anxiety level rose to an alarming "Get me the heck OUT OF HERE NOW" type of level...so much for the muscle relaxer. Not fun.

Add to all of that, the sensation that your skin is getting slightly warm and you think you are being tunneled into the depths of...you know where.

There was one and only one thing that got me through it with out going insane. My hubby. He was right there the whole time holding my hand. He couldn't say anything to me because of the deafening sounds but, he was there. Stroking my hand and my leg. Letting me squeeze the crap put of his hand for like half an hour. For that I am extremely blessed and grateful. I could not have done it without him right there by my side.

Now comes the waiting for the results...

Me

If you would like to see more about how my day went, visit this Youtube video. It explains all about MRI's and you can hear the AWFUL sounds the machines make.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_j_D_sLKj4M

Family is tough love

Today I had one of the most difficult conversations of my life. I confronted my brother about some things that had been bothering hubby and I. Its very tough to tell someone that you love that the things that they have been doing are making you upset, without making them hate you. Its nice to have it off my chest, as honesty is a HUGE part of who I am but, I am now scared to death that I may have really upset my brother. The last thing I wanted to do was to make him hate me but, confrontation has that effect. I can just imagine the things he must be thinking and saying about us right now. It hurts my heart.

Sometimes the best choices and decisions are not the easy ones.

I know I did the right thing with being honest with him. I just hope he can eventually come to realize that.

Trying to live by him and in his image.

Ashley

Long day.

Today was a long day. I got up pretty early this morning to see my Hubby off to go home and then on to work (as we had spent the night at my parents house last night along with my brother and his finance). It was a bit of a stressful morning trying to get everyone showered and to church on time. We ended up arriving to church late, which I hate, but since I am at the mercy of other people driving me around, I was thankful that we got there at all. I had hoped that my brother would stop to pick up my script for a muscle relaxer (to help me for my MRI this week) but, he was too busy.

I decided that I would not let the day go to waste and would clean. After cleaning the house for awhile, I finally decided that I would venture out in the car to get my script filled. I really needed to take it today so I could know how much to take when I go in for the MRI. I just figured I would get it filled at a closer place to be safe. While out, I also wanted to go to Meijer if I felt up to it. That was the plan.

I got in to the car and freaked out all the way down the road and barely made it to Kroger. I figured they could fill my script and I would just call it a day. I got back in the car all worked up, called hubby on the phone to have him talk me through getting back home. I was a mess. He got me aways. I eventually had to pull over at a corner lot. I was not in good shape. While sitting there trying to stop freaking out and crying, a lady comes to the car window and basically tells me to get the crap off of her property. I politely told her that I was having difficulty driving and she told me that I was on private property, added a sad half hearted "can I help you", and then walked away from the car before she even got a response from me. She then went to her car and sat to look at me. By this point I am bawling because I felt like I had a safe place to recover before I kept driving. I was mistaken.

I eventually left and drove home the rest of the way a mess. I did get home though but the problems continued. After I got home, I went to take a pill to see how they effected me (so I knew what to expect for the MRI) and proceeded to freak out again. I was upset for like a hour with a pounding heart and panic attacks. This is getting old quick. I feel like a crazy invalid. I could not live like this. I hope it gets solved soon. I don't feel like I can drive ANYWHERE now. Boo.

Long day. I am tired.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday

Just wanted to let the world know that today is my birthday SO BE NICE TO ME! :-) Also, I thought I would give a life update for anyone who actually reads these things.

Well, my health has been poor as of late which has restricted my driving to a 5-10 mile radius which stinks because I tutor in Franklin (45 min. away) three times a week. I went to see my eye doctor, my GP and have blood work done to figure out what is going on. This coming week I have a scheduled MRI of my brain to be sure its not MS or a tumor or something like that. I found out from my blood work that my thyroid levels are worse than before I began taking meds for it almost a year ago. How that happens, I have no idea, but it could definitely be contributing to the driving problems. All in all, I feel "ok" but I am freaked out about what could be causing the problems.

Now for some good news! Craig and I have been on the house hunt, meeting with realtor's and searching high and low. We just met with the bank who approved us a loan so, its nice to know that we can officially get a loan if we eventually find a house that suits us.

Now for better news! I received a message yesterday that a local middle school wants to interview me some time next week. On Monday I will be setting up a time to go in and do that. Please pray for my job interview and search as I have become bitter from the search and often feel like I am at my wits end. I really hope that this job works out for me. Unfortunately, it is at a not so great school but, at this point I will take ANYTHING. Literally.

Today I plan on celebrating my birthday by driving up to my parents house (who now live in Ohio again) with Craig on the motorcycle. The whole family is going out on a ride today, having a cookout, and staying up late to watch movies on my behalf. :-) Sounds like a great family birthday to me. I could not be more fortunate.

Have some fun for me today!

God Bless,

Ashley